SATURDAY TALE - Breadcrumbs by Jude Tulli

I don't like the path these breadcrumbs 

are leading me on...

Breadcrumbs! They're not my personal favorites or anything, but...mmm, nice and stale the way Little Coocoo likes them. What we birds do for our young; if I just swallow them whole real quick I can barely taste them now, but the regurge gets me every time. I'd much prefer the flavor of worms or grubs, but parenthood is sacrifice, as my mother always said.

           

Besides, Little Coocoo is so cute when he's all open beak, waiting. What daddy-bird wouldn't endure a sourdough burp or two for such a welcome?

           

Uh oh, I don't like the path these...what am I eating again? Oh yeah, breadcrumbs! I don't like the path these breadcrumbs are leading me too close to the wick--oh Coocoo Boy! Excuse me, Coocoo Boy, I could be wrong but you have the look of someone who's lost. Something in the wideness of your eyes is how I know. I've seen it before in lost Coocoo Children before they—oh, but I do so hate sad stories!

           

Listen, I would turn around if I were you. Coocoo Girl, tell the Coocoo Boy why I'm running around you both in circles; if you carry on this way you'll soon be—

           

Hush now, Little Coocoo, I'm coming! Listen, Coocoo Children, my own offspring is hungry, and I have these yeasty thingies I gotta go choke up for him. If you can just wait for me here, I'll show you the way back to your home if I can remember where I picked up this trail of bread...thingamabobs.

           

Waiting sort of requires that you stop walking, though, okay? Okay! I'll be back just as soon as I can.

Little Coocoo! I'm sorry I left you alone so long but here, I got you some of your favorite human crumbly bready...breadcrumbs!  That's what they call them. Breadcrumbs!

           

Relax, of course there's more. All right, don't gobble down faster than I can gag up your precious little dough-globs.  

           

There! That should tide you over until—you're still hungry?! Coocoo Mother must be laughing at me now from her perch up in Feather-Heaven. I can just hear it.

           

Oh good, here comes your own Coocoo Mommy now. Coocoo! Here, I'm getting up so you can land in the nest.

           

Welcome home, Coocoo! What did you bring for Little Coocoo?  

           

That looks good, but he'll never eat ant eggs right after the wheaty, lumpy...breadcrumbs! That's it, breadcrumbs! I just fed him his favorites.    

Well what do you know...he likes caviar now. Learn something new every day. Clearly you don't need me here, so if you don't mind, I'm going to go borrow Coocoo Sparrow's nest and take a little...what's it called? Oh yeah, nap. Been so long since I've had one I can't remember.

Coocoo Sparrow's nest was full up of young ones, so I suppose Coocoo Swallow's empty nest has to do, petite though it is.

           

Funny how I can remember words like "petite" and “caviar” when I need them just for myself but "nap" eluded...so...tired. . .

       

What's that? Who's there? Stop pecking at my eyes! Can't you see they're closed?!

           

Oh, hello Coocoo Swallow. I thought you'd abandoned this nest.

           

Less work to rebuild it than start a new one, eh? Well, these are troubled times, old friend. Troubled times, indeed.

           

Very well, I'm up now anyway. I'd better go home and check on Coocoo and Little Coocoo.

I've been gone how long?! Of course you would have woken me up Coocoo, but I was too tired to tell you I'd switched nests. I can barely get comfortable with Little Coocoo nuzzling my tail, let alone with several Coocoo Sparrow fledglings nipping at my wings.

           

Oh no!  I promised Coocoo Children I'd return to show them the way home! Coocoo, can you feed Little Coocoo while I try to find them? I'll take care of him for the next few days to make up for it, okay?

           

You're the coocoo sweetest.

Now where did I first find the whatsit? Oh yeah, breadcrumbs! Maybe if I start at the witch's house I can trace the trail of my beakmarks back to where those Coocoo Kids'll be safe.  

           

Oh, dear! Coocoo Boy, don't start eating the house, it's just a prelude to—

           

Coocoo Girl, tell him to stop. Oh no, not you too!

           

I'm too late! They've been invited in, and they don't have the coocoo sense to say no.

           

I don't know if I have the stomach to watch how this story's going to end. Especially after eating all those breadcrumbs.

Jude Tulli lives in the Sonoran Desert with his beloved wife Trish and a small pride of housecats. For quick links to his other works published with EC (including the recent Krampus anthology), his novelette Faegotten and more, you can visit him on Goodreads. 

Cover: Amanda Bergloff

Life Review; Happily Ever Afterlife, By Jude Tulli

I never asked to carry a gun

I always wanted to be a ballerina

I was as drafted as you
I spun round on one leg in the womb

I lost my right leg in a battle we won
To stay paper thin I took apples for bread

Or maybe I never had two
Or skipped meals to plié instead

It's all the same now, isn't it? Some would ask why

Survive the inside of a fish...
Torture yourself for a wish?

To be burned alive on a whim?
You'll burn out; a spinster in slippers too tattered to spin

Not me; the answer descends from above
So what if, in a way, they were right?

I got one long last look at my love
This encore is love at first sight

Jude Tulli lives in the Sonoran Desert with his beloved wife Trish and a small pride of housecats. For quick links to his other works published with EC (including the recent Krampus anthology), his novelette Faegotten and more, you can visit him on Goodreads.

Altered image by Shigeru Hatsuyama.

11 Rules of Responsible Fairy Godparenting, By Jude Tulli

Welcome to Fairy Godparenting school. And congratulations on being accepted. That you’ve made it this far in the process to certification means one of two things:

1. You’re exceptionally giving and hard-working or

2. One or more of your ancestors were Fairy Godparents and you don’t know what you want to do with your life

I know that hardly sounds fair, but it’s the way life works. You need to know these things if you’re going to do any good as an FG. Let’s see…there are 1, 2, 3…oh, about 20 of you here today? Let me assure you, only one of you will graduate.

Don’t worry; we don’t use the word “flunk” here. Many of our dropouts become healers or royal consultants. You have to love FGing or you’ll simply burn out. I know Cinderella made it look easy, but honestly most of your protégés will disappoint you. Hers was truly the “Cinderella story” of Fairy Godparenting.

You’re probably wondering about it now more than ever so I’ll put the rumors to rest. YES, once upon a time, I was Cinderella’s FG. But let me assure you, she was one in a billion. The everyday experience of all FGs involves hefty doses of failure and frustration. Overeating is not actively discouraged as a coping mechanism. Which reminds me, FG and student dinner party Friday at 7:00. You’re all invited. There’ll be at least forty different kinds of cheeses! Bring your questions and real live FGs will regale you with their most colorful stories. Spoiler alert: most end in heartbreak.

Now before we get into our case studies, we need to start with the basics. There are 11 principles that guide everything we do as FGs. Actually there are 1,007, but like I said, we start with the basics. Plenty of time to look into a career in stage magic after the introductory class. I don’t want to scare you all away just yet. The school has to keep the lights on somehow and the queen won’t let us raise our tuition twentyfold.

In an order that makes sense to me but won’t mean much to you yet, here we go:

1. Beauty comes from within. You can’t project it where it doesn't already exist. A monster will only look more monstrous for your efforts no matter how hard you hit it with your magic wand.

2. Research, research, research. Watch how each potential protégé reacts to different situations. Does he or she give too much? Ask too little of others? Meet cruelty with generosity? Perfect. Don’t be creepy; just gather the relevant data.

3. Never FG for yourself. It’s not right and it won’t get you your heart’s desire. No matter how badly you want the Fairy Godfather of Lillington to notice you. He’ll just take one look at you in all your magnificence and say, “Broke rule number 3 again, did we?” 

4. You can’t FG for someone you already know. It just doesn’t work. Like the time my niece demanded an extension after midnight. It ended with a ruptured spleen and six months of bed rest. At least I finally learned how to knit. 

5. There are no small wands, only small FGs. It’s not how much magic you have; it’s what you do with it that counts. I once turned a frog into a prince just by asking if he really liked the taste of flies.

6. Expect nothing in return. Don’t even expect to feel good about yourself for helping. People’s propensity for self-sabotage will never cease to surprise you. Frogs’ too. I told him not to lick the princess’ eye but he just said, “Ribbit ribbit ribbit.” 

7. Grant their heart’s desire or nothing. You're not helping otherwise. If you gave Cinderella a hoard of gold she’d just let her step-family spend it all. The best gifts are non-transferable.

8. Magic is neither a toy nor a game. Don’t leave your wand lying around where an infant or toddler can get to it. And never drink and cast. Trust me; the ruptured spleen was nothing. 

9. Animal labor is not free. If you turn lizards into footmen, they charge by the hour. It comes out of your expense account at first, but once you go over your budget it comes out of your pocket. And yes, you have to pay them the same wages to wait around behind the scenes as you do for face time. As a side note, I don’t recommend using lizards for anything unless no other animals are available. They blend into their surroundings so well it’s terribly hard to find them when you need them.

10. It’s not about you. If you’re having fun as an FG, you’re doing it wrong. It’s not about you getting to go to that ball you missed out on when you were younger. Don’t grant what you would want. Grant what your protégé needs. Give what's right to give. From dress cuts to shoe styles. And glass slippers are no longer allowed. They conjure too much expectation. Not to mention the newer ones break all the time. Nothing spoils a budding romance quicker than high-pitched screams and bloody footprints. 

11. Exceptions are the exception. There's always an exception. But they’re called exceptions for a reason. They’re rare. Run your thoughts by a more experienced FG before you get creative, especially in your first hundred years of practice.

The clock striking noon means we’re done for today, so away with you before you turn into pumpkins. Just kidding! I’ll see you all tomorrow when we’ll cover the 12 basic tenets of FG magic and the 13 reasons magical deadlines can’t be negotiated. You’re also in for a treat: a former protégé of mine turned part-time FG will give a presentation and answer your questions. Hint: Her name sounds a bit like “mozzarella.”

Which reminds me, did I mention the dinner party Friday at 7:00? Feel free to bring your favorite cheese, as long as you bring enough for everyone!

Jude Tulli lives in the Sonoran Desert with his beloved wife and a small pride of cats. His fairy tale inspired works have appeared in Enchanted Conversation and Timeless Tales.

Cinderella's Slipper, By Jude Tulli

"Luna," by Edward Charles Halle, artmagick.com

Editor's note: I love the stars. The pictures we receive from outer space shine more divinely than anything we can conceive here on Earth. That's why Jude's poem spoke to me. PLEASE CLICK ON THE LINKS!

If Cinderella's slipper was a galaxy
Her gown would be the shimmering Sloan Great Wall,
Her fascinator unrivalled by any stepsister's.

She would dazzle with Oort Cloud earrings,
Woven spiral arms the perfect cinch to be her belt.
Her bracelets tinkle in time when she dances with her prince.

How she has cried supernova tears, this princess.
For she has known such depths of darkness in the heart
That when she laughs the brightness from her eyes will take your breath away.

Oh, if Cinderella's slipper is a galaxy,
Let me be a sentient speck of dust
At that grand ball!

Jude Tulli is honored to have been published before on Enchanted Conversation. He lives beneath the bright Milky Way night sky with his beloved wife Trish and a small pride of housecats.

 

What Big Eyes, By Jude Tulli

What are we making for dinner, Grandma? When are you going to tell me? You know how I love surprises best at the very moment they turn into presents. How much longer?

You're trying my patience, you know. That's what Mommy says to me all the time, ha ha.

All right, I'm firing up the oven. Hotter? Hotter?

My, my, what kind of roast will this be?

Still hotter?! Something big and juicy, I bet. And it's not even my birthday! I love coming to visit you, Grandma! 

Aww, you feel extra fluffy when I hug you today! What's next?

Eggs! Oh boy, I love cracking open eggs. Watch, Mommy taught me how to do it with just a knife. More? See, I don't even get a bit of shell in there. Watch, Grandma. Watch! Well, that one turned out bad but the next one I'll get it. Master chef, that's me. Watch!

What do we need next? More eggs?! Wow, this is going to be a big turkey! Oh that's right, it's not a turkey, it's a. . .

Ha ha ha ha ha I thought I could trick you into telling me what it is! Didn't work, you're too sharp Grandma! Sharp as those new teeth you grew in last year while I was away. I don't know where you got a chicken big enough to need all these eggs, though.

Not a chicken, either. Hmm. . . Hey! Why'd you dump the eggs all over the floor?! Mommy would kill me if I ever--

You want me to what? Roll around in the eggs and then go play in that sandbox filled with corn meal?

Grandma, you're getting loopy in your old age, you know that?

I can too repeat after you, I learned how to do that when I was a baby and now I'm a big girl: "A master chef must know what it feels like to be the meal she is preparing in order to execute it properly."

No, I've never heard that before in my life! What's execute mean again? I used to know I just forgotted.

Oh, that kind of makes sense, I suppose, in a strange sort of way like having to wash your hands even when they don't look dirty.

If it'll make you happy, Grandma, I'll roll around in the eggs. Like this? Or should I spin around the other way?

Ew, they're all in my hair! Yucky! When do I get to wash up?

All right, I'm playing in the sandbox now. It's a little less gross to be covered with eggs and cornmeal than just eggs. But not much.

Is this what my meal is going to feel like? I don't know if I want to put any poor animal through this.

What's over there now? The oven's already fired up, Grandma, don't you remember?

Test it?

All right, I'll see if it's hot enough. No I've never stepped inside a lit oven before. Mommy wouldn't stand for it.

You sure that's the best way? I've never heard of that. Yes, I know Mommy doesn't exactly keep up with the times, but--

We're having lamb?! Really?! Lamb?!

Ooh, I love lamb! You must love it too, I can tell cause you're drooling an awful lot.

Wait a second! Is it already dead, because I don't like being around when they--

Oh, whew! Grandma, you know me so well!

I'm stepping into the oven now. Ow! It's burning through my shoes!

Take them off? You have gone mad, haven't you!

Stretching out will cool me off? There's not nearly enough room for that, Grandma, I've grown!

It's definitely hot enough but the door being open is drawing out the heat.

I DIDN'T MEAN FOR YOU TO CLOSE IT!

WHY IS IT LOCKED?! OPEN THE DOOR, GRANDMA! IT'S TOO HOT IN HERE!

OPEN THE DOOR! STOP SHAKING YOUR HEAD LIKE THAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S BROKEN?!

LOOK HERE, IN MY EYES, GRANDMA! OPEN! THE! DOOR!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, "WHAT BIG EYES I HAVE?" OF COURSE I'VE GOT BIG EYES, MOMMY SAYS I GOT THEM FROM YOU!

NOW OPEN THE DAMN DOOR, I'M DYING IN HERE!

What's gotten into you, Grandma? Why did you leave me in there so long? It's hot enough for any lamb I've ever met, I could have told you that when the door was open!

You're not my Grandma?

Grandma was heading off to visit Mommy while I was on my way here and you--wait a minute I'm still catching my breath. You--you're that wolf I met in the forest?

Oh.

Sorry I said a bad word.

I suppose there is no lamb, is there?

I don't think I like surprises anymore.

Thank you for changing your mind, at least.

Now get the hell out of Grandma's house.

Jude Tulli loves and writes short and novel-length fairy tales.  He was honored to be included in the "Little Mermaid" edition of Enchanted Conversation.  He lives in the Sonoran Desert with his beloved wife Trish and a small pride of housecats.